Pieces

You know those days where you feel like you're drowning? Like everything you're doing is a little half assed because otherwise you'd get nothing accomplished. You don't feel worth as you try and keep up with daily tasks. Trying to keep kids happy, husband happy, be a good friend, sister, daughter, employee. Secretly screaming for help in an empty room. You don't feel pretty enough, successful enough, good enough for those amazingly angelic babies who play beside you as you try and unload a dishwasher that will immediately be refilled. Chaos is everywhere and you're kinda holding back tears every second of the day? Yeah me too.

It's the best reason to be exhausted but damn I could use a nap. I've been doing so much soul searching lately it's mentally draining. When did life get so jumbled? And a real question, will I ever fold the pile of laundry in my hall?

Harper's Birth Story

How has it been almost 5 months and I still haven't written down Harper's birth story. Oh just because juggling a toddler and a baby is borderline insanity! ;) Lets get this party started.

With having to have had a c-section with Brooklyn my options this go-around were: A. Wait until Harper wants to come on her own and hope that you don't spend 3 days pushing to just have to have a c-section anyway (they wouldn't induce at any point because of risks) or B. If Harper doesnt come by 39 Weeks, schedule a c-section.

I went back and forth on what we should do, how I wanted to try and experience this labor. So many factors played in, having a toddler at home, how much time away from her I could take, how ready we were to meet Harper. I was really hoping to be able to deliver her how I had always planned to experience having a baby if I was able but I knew that I would struggle waiting past 40 weeks for her to come. We decided to have a plan, if Harper didnt come on her own by 39 weeks (we also have super big babies in our genes) we'd schedule a c-section. On Halloween, I was so sure of the fact she was coming that morning (like 2 am) I had contractions and just this gut feeling. Well my gut was dead wrong. She was cozy in her little room in my womb. We had so much fun trick-or-treating with our little Minnie also slightly hoping the walking of it all would get things moving along. 3 more days came and went and our c-section date was here! 

Britt came over bright and early to watch Brooklyn so Jordan and I could go to the hospital. We were giddy and excited but I was absolutely terrified. All the memories got so vivid, ones I had forgotten, about how devastating my last delivery was for me. They hooked me up to a monitor and I was having contractions and my heart kept repeating the thought "can she just come now, come on her own, please?" No such luck :( We were waiting for about an hour and a half when they brought me back to start. Even writing it out makes me sweat. I am the biggest baby with needles and anything beyond that, forget about it! They had me bend over for the spinal tap up my back and I just started to panic and squeeze the crap out of Jordan's shoulders as he rest his hands on my knee's assuring me it would all be okay and we'll meet our sweet girl in just minutes. I wasn't ready, I wanted to go home.

As I lay back on the bed and stretch my arms across the table, they hook up the airway tubes in my nose and roll up my gown as I can still see them and my legs start to go numb and that feeling in itself, sucked. From my chest down started to lose feeling but I could still feel the pressure which I know isnt worse but seemed like it in the moment. I couldnt breathe, feeling like a thousand bricks started to be placed on my chest and they started rubbing the iodine across my belly as I tried not to watch but it felt as if my skin was being torn from side to side as they painted me orange. I started to cry and tell Jordan I cant do this. Please ask them if they can put me under. Its too much, I cant. They finally came with the sheet to block the rest away from my view. I told Jordan dont dare look over there as they started, I couldn't let him see my insides on a table! He talked me through it all so sweetly and calmly, about how we were about to meet our baby. How I wont be in so much pain anymore and I'll get the yummiest drink ever in the recovery room.

The pressure of the incision followed by the clicking of what I assume what they were using to stretch open it all and get a look at the works. The staff tried to joke about recent events that I cant even remember now. And then there it was.. The most sweetest heart melting cry in the entire world and I just wanted to scream "let me see her I want to see her!!" My doctor then says "i'm just playing with her she is so cute!!" Just a second later they were walking her to be weighed and I saw her for the first time. I was shocked at how beautiful she was! And big! Haha. Harper was perfectly beautiful and healthy and I made her!! That feeling will always be my most treasured. The first cry, the first sight, the first time getting to hold her. Jordan went over and got some pictures as they weighed our angel. Soon she was swaddled and in his arms while they finished up my goods and he held her close to me as I swooned over her and him snuggling her. He was so natural, just something about knowing we had a boo at home and this being his sweet baby, our sweet baby. Our love instantly grew a thousand times. 

After they moved me to my new bed I got to hold Harper for the first time. The anxiousness of that moment followed by the perfectness of it all makes the rest all just melt away. My sweet baby, you were just in my belly and now you rest your tiny head on my beating heart safely in my arms. I make so many promises to you in that moment. More than I can ever fathom to jot down. You will forever be loved beyond measure and may you feel the immensity of that love that I have for you, evermore. Evermore my dearest. The best word I can choose to explain you, sweet sweet Harper, was angel. The name could not have been more fitting. Coming to this world at 8lbs 12 oz | 20 inches long on November 3, 2016 at 1:28pm. Complete perfection. <3 div="">

Baby # 2

We moved into our new house on February 26th and just a week later found out I was expecting baby number two. My period was a few days late but I didn't think much of it since we weren't trying and they were sorta all over the place before Brooklyn was born. I decided to go get a test at 11 pm to ease my mind and let me sleep better. So it was quite a surprise when there were two little lines instead of one. I was hesitant and took the second test in the morning that revealed the very clears positive. I was in shock. We had just miscarried in January (another unplanned pregnancy) and here I was pregnant again. Two months later. With the recent series of events I was hesitant if I'd carry this baby past 7 weeks or lose it again. This is my 4th pregnancy and the only successful one we've experienced was with a lot of help from doctors. I made some appointments for blood draws and ultrasounds to make sure things were progressing. At 7 weeks they detected a faint little heartbeat and I started considering this might happen. We might have another healthy baby growing in my tummy. A week later we went back to make sure the beat got stronger which it did! With great relief I then just tried to wait and hope nothing happened. I've been incredibly nauseous and exhausted which as terrible as it feels is a nice reminder that the baby's in there growing and taking all my food and energy haha. I have my first regular appointment Tuesday and I am anxiously waiting to hear that little heartbeat again. And get some reassurance things are well. Babies are such miracles and we couldn't be more thrilled with the news and to watch Brooklyn become a big sister. She's been so sweet to the baby in my belly and already talking to it, singing and trying to show the baby her toys. She'll lift up mommies shirt and say "hi baby in momma belly is me, bookin, I your big sissa" what a blessing she is right?! Let's hope she's just as sweet when this little guy or gal makes their arrival in November! ❤️❤️❤️

We have recently moved while we build our house and though we are so excited, renting is just hard. Especially with noisy neighbors and a baby who needs her sleep. BUT the plus side, is this playground right out our door. We go every day and B goes down the slides all by herself. She loves it there! She's my home♡

5.4.15

I am so so sooo excited for this warm weather!

Going to make it a summer to remember for sure. Just a few things on my summer 2015 bucket list: Zoo, pool, splash pad, herriman "beach", chalk drawing, park hopping. 

Today has not been half-bad. B surprised us by sleeping in till 9:30 then we went on a beautiful lil walk to our neighborhood gas station for some goodies. I finished sewing her second pair of leggings last night and theyre holding up great! One proud momma.  I wanna sew her a blanket soon. Seems simple enough. Brooklyn loves exploring and has such a free spirit. If we tell her "no" she throws a huge fit. We're in trouble. Her latest thing is putting both hands up when we tell her to say "I don't know". She loves chicken Nuggets and fries. Has been eating bananas, tacos, cookies, graham crackers, fruit loops, and basically any finger foods. Unless it's passed 5 pm. Then she will only eat limited snacks. She loves jordans bobble head super heroes. And sleeps great at night. I am continually grateful to get to spend all my time with my Lil munchkin sugar bum.

I'm having way way way too much fun being a mommy.  I really am. I like the youthful spirit that having a 14 month old brings out in me. Brooklyn has started to wave hi and bye on command. Is a huge dancer to any tune. She loves Tangled, Monsters Inc, Toy Story and Tarzan right now. If we open or arms and ask for hugs and kisses she'll run into them and hug and kiss you. She says ta da and kitty. She's so happy and makes me so happy. I'm so grateful for her and how she enriches my life every day. 

In a nutshell, she's my best friend ♡

Happy HOLIDAYS!